Recession Hits Cocktail H’ordearve Plate

img_6909.JPGMany people depend on simple daily rituals to keep their sanity during trying times. One of the most popular rituals is known as Cocktail Hour, which usually begins in the late afternoon or early evening, depending on a person’s schedule. I personally look forward to Cocktail Hour, especially in New England during the winter months. The average cocktail hour includes olives, crackers, cheese, and, on special occasions, salami. I have just returned from the supermarket with a small bag of groceries which cost me 154.88. Dinner items for the week, chicken, potatoes, canned peas, cube steak, iceberg lettuce, pasta, frozen pizza and a can of tuna fish, came to a total of 55.45 . The rest of the groceries were designated “cocktail hour fare” and added approximately another 100 bucks to my receipt total. Granted, I bought 7 large bottles of mid-priced wine, but when I focused my eyeballs on the price-per-pound for cheese and olives, I thought I was going to shit my pants. I felt violated.

Someone out there is messing with my life line. The beautiful moments at the end of a long day, wherein I stuff myself with cheese and crackers, salami, olives and wash it all down with a huge swig of cold white wine. This is how it goes. Cheese, cracker, olive, sip of wine. Sip of wine, piece of cheese, cracker, slice of salami, sip of wine, bigger slice of cheese with salami and mustard, etc. Sometimes I am talking to other people who are also stuffing their faces, sometimes I am sitting in my study alone, pondering the events of the day, planning my tomorrow. If I cannot partake in a snack plate I don’t see how I’ll have a past or future. One day will run into a night and into another day, without designation, a dripping watercolor. You will consider this a trivial matter until your own sacred ritual is thwarted.

The Gift of Enlightment at Private Writer Yoga Retreat

img_6603.JPGSurely you know a person who needs help. Why not offer them a gift that keeps on giving? Enlightenment. Send your damaged friend to the Nameless Top-Secret Writers/Yoga Vermont Retreat. They”ll be forever in your debt. Certainly you say that you care about your friend but actions speak louder than words. So does money. Call your depressed, lazy, self-obsessed friend today and tell them to expect a miracle. They’re expecting one anyway.

Nightmare Scenario

Post Recession

Today’s press release from Haiti includes a recipe for the dirt cookies that mother’s are feeding their children to fend off hunger pangs. Recipe: Dirt, salt, water, shortening. Mix Dirt with Water to create mud in a consistency not unlike cake batter. Add salt and shortening until mud is consistency of cookie dough. Press mixture into small pie shapes. Dry in sun. Serve with nothing.

That bit of news puts our own recession worries in perspective, although we are not as far from dirt cookies as we may think. Forever the prepared pessimist, I tracked down a woman living in the deep hills of Vermont who has baked extraordinary dirt cookies laced with hay and/or manure since before I was born. I could not ask her for any baking advice. Upon arrival I found her flopped stone dead on her porch floor.

My advice: Don’t eat dirt. More advice: get some money soon, however you can, LOTS of it and hide it.