The Secret To A Beautiful Body at Any Age
People often ask me how I am able to maintain a perfect physique at the age of 61. Apparently it doesn’t matter if men are fat and disgusting as long as they have money, so I address this essay to the superior sex.
Like any attractive woman in a competitive market I am loathe to share my secrets. I may not be looking for true love myself, but I certainly don’t want anyone else to find it. More happy aging couples in the world merely add to my isolation and make it difficult to use age as an excuse for failure in the dating game. You’ve seen them with their stiff dentured smiles, and that wild look in their eyes. They can’t believe their good luck.
They make me sad. I don’t have anyone to share my aging perfect body with. What a waste! You see, I have a slight personality disorder which interferes with my ability to lie to men. Men want a great body to grope, yes, but more than that, they want lies. They want you to LIE to them, blatantly, about how wonderful they are. They want you to tell them their conclave chests, their half erections, their double chins are your ideal.
If you can’t lie with a straight face, girls, there is no reason to continue reading because it doesn’t matter how perfect your body is. You’ll be sharing a pizza with your Irish Setter every Saturday night. If you CAN lie with a straight face, the rest is easy. Follow the simple plan below and you’ll have a perfect body for the rest of your life and you’ll be a great looking corpse.
NEVER diet. EVER. NEVER deny yourself anything that you yearn to stuff into your mouth. You must look at a piece of chocolate cake and a salad as simply two different foods that are meant to go into your mouth and make you feel better. Don’t choose wisely, choose organically! Let your body choose! You’ll find that once the pressure is off, and your body believes that it will not be denied anything it craves, something magic will happen…. you will naturally reach for the salad instead of the cake. You may eat four cakes before you want the salad, but believe me, you’ll want that salad… lots of salad… greens. Fresh, crisp, cold greens. Someone will put a piece of cake in front of you, and you may take a bite, but it will not hold the same power over you because you can take it or leave it!
Simply stand up straight. In order to hold your lazy body up and away from the gravitation pull, you body will be working – sculpting itself without too much exertion. This is called posture. You don’t want to work out, well, just walk casually but with good posture- If you don’t want to walk, just drive, but drive with good posture. Sit at a table and drink wine with good posture. Lay down on the couch with good posture. Be aware of the gravitational pull– it is your enemy and it is aging you minute by minute.
Move through life as though you are wading through mud, but STAND UP STRAIGHT! Don’t slouch or SLOG through the mud. The imaginary mud gives your muscles something to resist and overcome. Yes, stand up straight, walk through imaginary mud, and you’ve created your own take it with you everywhere weight training class. 24-7… your body is moving through the world with the sense of purpose that comes from confronting a foreign substance.
Install a huge floor length mirror and mood lighting. A juxtaposition of reality and fantasy. Don’t hide from yourself or kid yourself with distorted mirrors or a lack of mirrors. Look at yourself head on, but under the lovely pinkish glow of a designer light bulb. Even if you are what you consider fat, the fat will look luscious and beautiful, and you will love your body as it is, which will take the pressure off changing it. This is a critical component in the success of this plan. Face to face with yourself. Mirrors in every room. Stand up straight, smile, glance in the mirror on the way to the refrigerator and, well, I think I’ll have a salad…..
Use your body. This sounds simple, but most people use their head and appendages only. Let’s say you are reaching for a box of chocolates from a high kitchen cabinet. I guarantee you will reach with your arm and get up on your tip toes instead of reaching with the entire left or right side of your body. Your body is left out. It just stands thing, an inert object weighted down by itself, feeling unappreciated. Reach up for the chocolates with your whole body! You will actually grow taller. You’ll reach the chocolates and feel so energized by using your body that one chocolate will be more than enough… then you’ll crave a huge salad.
If you tend to eat when you aren’t hungry, so-called emotional eating- it’s okay, but really FEEL the bad mood or depression while stuffing your face. Indulge in it. Sneer and snarl and spit as you eat. Eat with your hands, rub food in your hair… feel lousy, really lousy. Get it over with… take a shower, and go watch TV, read a book or sleep. Do NOt exercise, NEVER exercise, as punishment.
Don’t fret over accessories. Don’t fall for the scam that new shoes or the latest style tent dress will set you free. Fashion is a hoax. It is a greasy rag merchant’s pitch to reach his bottom line. If you are a slave to fashion, as they say, you send a direct message to your body: You are not enough. It sends the message to everybody else as well. You’ve heard it before: Put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig. I’m not saying you’re a pig, I’m just saying, nobody is kidding anybody in Haute Couture or a shawl.
I realize this treatise is a bit severe, but so are Weight Watcher weigh-ins and Extra- large panty-hose. Don’t kill the messenger. Don’t envy the messenger. You’ve got your orders, now march.