Are you feeling sad lately? Confused? Broke? Paranoid? Victimized? Do you have a nagging sore throat or sinus infection that will not respond to an anti-biotic? Is your cell phone off the hook? Is your computer slow? Are your library books and video’s overdue? Are you chewing your fingernails? Is there a hole in your sock or underwear that keeps expanding? Is your waist expanding at the same rate?
Are you aging rapidly? Do you have sudden outbursts of anger, hysterics, psychosis? Do you check Orbitz for cheap one-way flights to Morocco? Have you stopped plucking your eyebrows? After you fork some dog food in your pet’s dish, do you use the same fork without washing it off? Are you learning to juggle?
Do you make a daily trip to the liquor store? Are you padding your resume, jockey shorts or bra? Are you eating too many beans? Is there dog turd lodged in your sneaker grooves? Is your Christmas tree still up? Are you leaving the caps off your condiments so that they dribble and leave a sticky, oozing film on the floor of your refrigerator? Did you get your fingers pinched in a slot machine?
Is there a dust ball under your bed that looks like a toupee? Are you faking multiple orgasms? Have you recently changed your name legally? Instead of Sierra Club, do you have a Dunkin Donut’s wall calendar and is there a huge dripping donut staring at you for the month of March? When you use public rest rooms, do you leave stall door ajar?
Did you forget to change the oil in your car this decade? Are you trying to start smoking? Are you building a bomb in your basement? Do you need entry into a Witness Protection Program? Did you kill somebody by mistake?
Don’t worry about it. The gift of this recession is that everyone is nuts and we finally have a good reason. Enjoy!