First, the good news, unlike your great great grandmother, your floor length skirt will probably not catch fire at an open hearth while you are cooking up another bunch of corn slop..
All you’ll need to do is punch two holes in a plastic bag, place the bag in a microwave machine, leave it there for 6 minutes, take it out and dump it in an expensive Italian ceramic bowl. Garnish with parsley. Serve hot. Other Serving suggestions: add salsa and sour cream for an ethnic flair. If your husband is bringing home the boss, punch two holes in two plastic bags. Follow directions as applicable. Cover with layer of lobster and steak for a surf and turf extravaganza. Serve with cornbread.
More good news…
You will not have to get pregnant every nine months after servicing your husband, and plow fields, grind grain or pick berries in a field of poison ivy while carrying a seven pound human in your stomach. You will not have to give birth without pain killers, in a hut next to a donkey.
All you’ll have to do is have no babies or one or two babies when and if you choose. You are now free to work all day and put the babies in a day care center. As long as you buy nice clothes for the babies and they are able to read by six months old, you will be considered a successful parent. This will apply through high school years and college, as long as they go to an IVY league school and are not gay. They must not have acne or have a lisp, but other than that, they can be appreciated for their individuality in looks and behavior as long as they do not kill or rape anyone, or worse, marry a Muslim.
The Good News Continues
As an American, you will not have to have your clitoris cut off without benefit of anesthesia. You will be able to keep all your body parts, until they start to wither with age. Then you will be expected to staple them back where they were when you were 16, leaving the body part area slightly numb to the touch for the rest of your life. Your option is becoming an intellectual or nun, or an intellectual nun. You can also have enough money in the bank that people will pretend they don’t care if you look withered. You can wear bright, silk scarves around your neck and a classic French beret, rose up your cheeks and enjoy the contentment that comes from being invisible in society unless you have your own reality show on a major cable network.
Don’t we love all the Good News!
You will not die in childbirth at twenty two, instead you will live until you are 100. The last twenty years of your life will be spend in constant agony from various old age disabilities, but you will be able to control the pain with drugs and play bridge, bingo and go to water aerobics classes for seniors. Hopefully you will be visited by your relatives, grandchildren and such, as long as you have a hefty checkbook and are able to give them something, always, able to give them something of monetary value. Otherwise you will be out on your ass in your wheelchair, shoved into a old folks home with roaches, and left to wallow in your own excrement.
The Good News Continues, thanks to all your foresisters who fought to get you the vote and enable you to own property.
You can also go to school and become anything you want, including an astronaut or brain surgeon. No one will bat an eye, whatever your accomplishments. You will be expected to become an astronaut or brain surgeon, and if you are not, you will be considered as second class as your great great grandmothers were, just because they were women. Even if you become a kindergarten teacher or artist, and people fawn over your altruism or innate creativity, you will be out of luck when you try to get a mortgage. There is a good possibility that you will live in a trailer park unless you marry a astronaut, brain surgeon or old money or new money. Even then, you will need a very expensive divorce attorney when you get sick of your husband and cannot sleep with him without getting sick.
So. The good news really is, the only thing you need, to survive and thrive as a modern American woman is cash. Cold, hard cash. It doesn’t matter how you get it, where you get it, as long as you have enough to look like you don’t need it.
The Good News is, you can earn your own money and live your own life, free of the shackles of male dominance. Sadly, you will still be considered a “broad” by your fellow male workers and friends, and if you state an opinion in a loud voice, you will be considered a “Bitch”. Although you and your women friends will profess to be proud of being Bitches, you will nonetheless understand that the term Bitch, is, in the dictionary, a female dog.
Good news, as well,
- You will not have to shave your face.
- You will not get prostate cancer.
- You will being able to breast feed.
- You will sometimes have a car door opened for you.
- If you are on a sinking ship, you will be rescued first.
- You always have an excuse for any behavior. PMS or menopause or postpartum depression.
- You will not be expected to put on a uniform and kill people unless you really want to.
- You will not be expected to perform certain functions during sex, and in fact will be able to most often just lie on your back and close your eyes and doze, or if you prefer, follow the directions in the new Sex is for Good Girls book and make your man twist into pretzel shapes at your whim. You will only be expected to wear a garter belt.
THINK SHEET for RITE OF PASSAGE CONTESTANTS
I. Please look at the following list of future options.
Imagine yourself in the following cloaks of (dis)respectability. Try to live through a day as one of the below mentioned women. Just let your mind roam free as you dream the impossible dream. Don’t make pre-judgments or generalizations about certain negative or positive aspects of each lifestyle/career/cop-out. No lifestyle is all good or all bad. There is always compromise.
- spiritual goddess
- earth mother
- tough broad
- drunk/drug addict
- talk show host
- Avon lady
- Westchester housewife
- Arm candy
- mental health professional
- Tree pruner
II. If you are still feeling uncomfortable about the next eighty years on the planet as a woman, you are probably a special case. No worries. America is a free country. The country is free, of course, everything else in it worth a salt costs a shit-load. So let’s rethink our marital goals, sexual orientation, and sense of integrity by checking off the conditions in the list below that you could consider without too much angst.
- Marrying a real estate mogul with a hair piece.
- Having your name appear on a poster at the post office or in the local police reports.
- Smiling while asleep.
- Talking while asleep with eyes open.
- Driving a Volvo with a ski-rack, dog in rear, wearing L.L. Bean and listening to NPR on the radio.
- Scanning Bed, Bath and Beyond for sheets that match your new shower curtain.
- Feigning disinterest in how your ass looks in a bikini.
- Cooking with Tofu
- Sleeping with a U.N. Embassador from Norway.
- Watching your feet bleed profusely after a dance performance.
- Spending eight hours a day in a cubicle the size of a brazil nut.
- working on your tan in St. Tropez while the black pool side waiters stare with disdain at your tits.
- Hiring a private detective
III. There is no reason why you have to remain in America. You may feel that you would like to participate in womanhood under the following conditions.
- tobogganing in the summer.
- collecting slugs for lunch.
- sweating in cashmere at a Paris Bistro bar.
- marrying a man with twenty goats
- Embezzling diamonds while fighting cannibals.
- Wrapping your head and face in a polyester blend fabric.
- Sucking snake poison out of your thigh.
IV. As your body matures into full womanhood you will experience many peculiar sensations, such as
- chocolate craving
V. It is important for you to do the following every day:
- Avoid self help books.
- say you are applying to graduate school
- forgive your parents
- suppress your urge to strangle a Vogue magazine model
- use a pen name
VI. Check your underwear for blood stains
Good Night and Good Luck.